It is spring of 2026, nature is undergoing its annual accounting reset; older leaves are abandoned for newer ones, flowers bloom to welcome the sun's warmth, a new session of the academic calendar started, the finance minister presented the budget etc., all are signs of annual accounting. It is the time to audit our previous year's work, achievements, progress and set new beginnings, targets, and goals for next year.
I am also reflecting on my last 2 years of life events. It was January of the year 2024 when I left home after failing in the main stage of the UPSC exam 2023. I was supposed to go to a place where I could only focus on studies and do justice to my preparations. I made certain decisions in those challenging circumstances. Instead of going to Delhi (the IAS prep hub), I went to my friend's place in Vadodara. After a few weeks of stay, I realised that it is not the right place for preparation, so I decided to leave that place. But my friend and his flatmate convinced me to stay longer. I stayed. Later, when the time for form filling came, a notice to evacuate the building was issued by campus authorities. So, I again intend to leave that place. They convinced me to fill the centre at the nearest location. I filled Ahmedabad and Bhopal for prelims and mains, respectively.
I was able to set up a routine for study and was on the right track with regard to preparations. I had plans to move to Delhi for mains preparation, as I had changed my optional to sociology. Things were going well till the prelims stage. After prelims, I left for Delhi. I went there and surveyed about coaching and accommodations. Things were okay; I had nothing to think about except my preparation. In a few days to temporary stay at a friend's place, I no mood to change my decision. Then one day in the very first week, I had a call with a candidate whom I met in my first mains. He said about his plans for the main preparations. He also asked me to come to his place and highlighted the challenges of staying in Delhi. I was influenced by his arguments and decided to leave Delhi and move to Bhopal for the mains. It was his argument that preparation can be done from anywhere; he also gave references to some toppers. I abandoned my decision and got pursued by someone else.
The result of that decision was catastrophic. I was at a new place. It takes about a week to get settled there. In all these processes, I lost about two weeks of precious time. So, now you can see the patterns. I am getting influenced by people who had little say in my life. That's why I chose the title, "History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce."
In Bhopal, I had a few college friends who were preparing for the civil services. I got in touch with them. One friend who had sociology as optional subject, I had good hope that he would help me in optional preparation. To some extent, he did help by providing his notes to me to study. After a few weeks of staying there, that sociology friend visited my place. Upon discussion with him, I got to know about his plans. He said that regulatory bodies' examinations are coming. He also said that it is very difficult to prepare for the optional in these few months. Somehow, I got influenced again by someone who had little say in my life. I filled out all other forms as well, and most of the exams were taken during the time period of mains preparation. My focus from the examination got diverted. I got so influenced that I started looking for any job position and forgot about my actual goal of joining the civil services.
I also like to mention one more incident here. A college senior was in Bhopal for some work. He called me to know about my preparation and well-being. During the conversation, he mentioned that there is a play being performed at the cultural centre of the city. It is rightly said by Viktor Frankl, "When a person can't find a deep sense of meaning, they distract themselves with pleasure". I decided to go with him. Not once but twice (yeah, one next day as well). This again highlighted my poor decision-making here.
Instead of writing mock papers for the UPSC Main, I was attempting other examinations. Instead of relying on my plan, I was following others' advice. In place of studying hard, I was exploring the city and events. So, now you can guess what the results of all of these were. I got success in none.
I lost about one-third of my time for mains preparation to other things. I missed an interview call by a few marks for the civil services. I did not make it to the other exams.
Now, after a few months, I am reflecting on my life and the decision of that year, I realised that I am not the person I used to be, at least till 2023. I used to be a little rigid and firm in my decision. I usually take advice only from people whom I feel are important, and for the rest, I always take things with a pinch of salt. This entire year, I did many things which were influenced by others' opinions.
I'm stopping here. I will write more later.
Written by Vivek Maurya
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